is your mom at the bar?
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
