I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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