You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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