i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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