Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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