I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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