he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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