party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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