i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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