Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
