And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
