apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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