epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
