i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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