mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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