We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
