I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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