I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least đ
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
I should have known it wouldnât work. Someone saved in her phone as âSubway Sexâ called the week before the wedding
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