If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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