Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
