I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
