Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
