A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
