Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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