it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
