just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
