I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
