I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
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i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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