Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
