my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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