so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize