you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
