Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
