one two three fourrrrnication!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the day after is always just damage control
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
