ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
