Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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