It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
