I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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