Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
