So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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