Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
