I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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