yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
