Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
