Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
3 2 1 whiskey
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
