but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
