hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
