i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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