The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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