i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
