so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
