hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
