I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
