i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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