rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
