is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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