Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
