: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
