He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
