maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
