Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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