If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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