dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
