At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
