Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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